NULL - The Ultimate Computer Language

BASKING RIDGE, NJ - Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the ultimate computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the foremost Japanese fourth generation language expert, as "the only truly elegant computer language ever devised." NULL, as it is known, was developed by the same department that originally invented the wrong number, the busy signal, and the phrase, "The number you have reached is not in service."

NULL is the culmination of five years of work by a team of language designers and computer science mathematicians. The final breakthrough occurred when operating system expert Hugh Nicks suggested that if removing GOTOs was good then why not scrap IF statements as well, since they usually required typing too many characters anyway. This brilliant concept was extended through a series of complex mathematical theorems that form the basis of the NULL language.

Put in layman's terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee, electrical engineer and PROM reader, "Like first we tossed out the bath water, then the baby, and like, finally, the whole tub." The elegance and conciseness of NULL can thus be proven to be a direct consequence of the fact that the language as defined contains no statements at all. While at first glance this may seem a drawback, in fact, it is a major improvement over any other language. A few of the numerous reasons are:

These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all current computer languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For further reading consult any of the numerous books and articles by Donald Knuth, David Parnas, and of course, the basis of all modern computer language theory, "The Emperor's New Clothes."

By John R. Andrews, University of Illinois at Chicago.

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