Data Procesdefinitions

                          "Data Processing Definitions" 
     
     Access Time - The time between the instant at which information is 
          called for, and the instant at which management expects the final 
          report. 
     
     Assembler - One who drops his card deck. 
     
     Assumed Decimal Point - Located two positions to the right of a 
          programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth. 
     
     Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. 
     
     Breakpoint - The point at which programmer increments past last bit 
          available. 
     
     Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up 
          output. 
     
     Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary. 
     
     Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples. 
     
     Counter - A device over which martinis are served. 
     
     Crash - What a detached (q.v.) programmer would dearly love to do, for 
          at least eight hours. 
     
     Default - De line west of which de state of California will float off 
          to sea at de next major quake. 
     
     Detached - What programmer becomes after third day without sleep. 
     
     Device - Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden. 
     
     Disassembler - An unattended five year old child. 
     
     Diskettes - A group recently formed from old members of the rockettes. 
     
     Documentation - A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, 
          or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported. 
     
     Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your 
          computer output. 
     
     External Storage - A wastebasket. 
     
     Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state 
          of confusion. 
     
     Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to 
          the restroom but cannot leave the computer. 
     
     Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost. 
     
     Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the 
          restroom. 
     
     Hardware - Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman 
     has reassembled cpu. 

     Host - Person who insists on keeping visiting programmer up until 4 am 
          with trivia. 
     
     I/O Device - Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new 
          (old) car. 
     
     Input - Food, whiskey, beer, asprin, etc. 
     
     Library - An organized collection of obsolete material. 
     
     Load - What you dump after reaching floating point. 
     
     Low Order Position - The programmer's location in the chain of 
          command. 
     
     Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro". 
     
     Memory Dump - Amnesia. 
     
     Mainframe - Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the 
          system crash. 
     
     Microsecond - Amount of time needed for a program to bomb. 
     
     Off-Line - Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband 
          upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed. 
     
     On-Line - Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with 
          management at 9pm. 
     
     Peripheral - Now you see it, now you don't... 
     
     Printout - A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway. 
     
     Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with 
          inanimate objects. 
     
     Source file - One which was "appropriated" from one of the 
          competitors. 
     
     Switch - When management changes its mind. 
     
     Terminal - Condition of detached programmer three days further along.