Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Unix support hotline, may I help you?
From: toad@cellar.UUCP
Keywords: unix, chuckle, true

The following is original, but it's by our entire organization (which, for safety's sake, must remain anonymous).

I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems. Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is within their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally familiar with Unix.

Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.

• "Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling."
• "Trying to get a back door booth"
• "Problem with supper block"
• "Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
• "Problem with the getty desk"

Spelling errors can happen.

• "Question on COBOL air conditions"
• "Problem with defunk processor"
• "Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"

Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:

• "System running in two time zones"
• "Error log file that self purges"
• "The program keeps changing"
• "Terminal is screaming"

There is some hardware we just don't support.

• "Getting rat errors"
• "Part number for prompt chip"
• "Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"

This is clearly NOT a software problem.

• "Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"

Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.

• "Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"

Users may get a little fed up.

• "The light is flashing"
• "Getting error message that says enough already"
• "Can something be done. If so, how?"

Maybe our software is just too boring.

• "Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"

This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.

• "Colonel destroyed"

Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

• "Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"
  ... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
• "Printer not talking properly"
  ... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
• "Problem with PC going into the Unix box"
  ... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
• "How much swab space?"
  ... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
• "Command responds too rapidly"
  ... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
• "Would like to kill a certain group of users"
  ... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
• "Syster is hung for the last 2 days"
  ... Sounds like a personal problem!

Finally, this one is just too theoretical.

• "How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"

(These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)

I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally familiar with Unix.

Spelling errors can happen.

• "The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
• "Air message on consol"

Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:

• "Cannot get into the library"
• "Runaway process boards"
• "Terminals need to be brightened up"
  ...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
• "Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
  ...calling from your car phone?
• "Does not see the boot"
  ...check the end of your foot.
• "Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
  ...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
• "Cannot get into Telnet"
  ...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
• "Constant memory vaults"
  ...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
• "X's and O's on terminal"
  ...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
• "Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
  ...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
• "Bust fault and reset of system"
  ...can the hardware guy install a bra?

There is some hardware we just don't support.

• "Install wife terminal"
• "Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
• "Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
  ...contact your chiropractor.
• "Actuary on printer is out"
  ...are they at an insurance company?

This is clearly NOT a software problem.

• "Trouble with electrical smell on system"

This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:

• "When logging on, getting overthrow signal"

Similarly:

• "Warning regent table overthrow"

Here's a stumper.

• "EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"

Users may get a little fed up.

• "Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
• "Too much paper during printing"

Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

• "Getting a parody error"
• "If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
• "Having ahard disfailure"
• "Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
• "Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
  ...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
• "Questions on fox based software"
  ...those animals really do understand relational databases!
• "Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
  ...oh, your console is upside-down.
• "Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
  ...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
• "Kill process logs users off system"
  ...it does tend to do that.
• "Question on repetitioning the disc"
  ...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
• "Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
  ...please, don't network under the influence.
• "UPS DOWN"
  ...and down is up, right, sir?