Real Software Engineers.
REAL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
Real software engineers eat quiche.
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate
them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they
are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The
identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they
implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the
algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write
the user interface, though.
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software
engineers don't program in it.
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become
queasy at the very thought.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify
correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing
anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they
are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get
"close to the machine."
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't
like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross
when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right
Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but
only on very sunny days.
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and
Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program
in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are
afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way
the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would
feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually
been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal
spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take
any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make
real software engineers very uneasy.
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards
bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers,
preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in
unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to
actually RUN these).
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN
and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly
disciplined enough; far too much built in function.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of
users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about
what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable
and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at
any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and
wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would
like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over
something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they
need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.