Shoot Foot

Path: athena.cs.uga.edu!emory!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!spool.mu.edu!hri.com!merrimack.edu!yetmank
From: yetmank@merrimack.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Computer language humor
Message-ID: [1992Mar31.122538.1529@merrimack.edu]
Date: 31 Mar 92 12:25:38 GMT
Organization: Merrimack College, No. Andover, MA
Lines: 108

The folloowing is from "The Real Times", a newsletter of the Greater Boston
Chapter of ACM.

"Which language is right for you?" by Simon Walmsley and Steve Suttles

In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the
competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises.  We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.

6502 		You shoot yourself in the foot.

68000		You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so
		you hang yourself.

8080		You foot yourself in the shoot.

Z80...

Ada		The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after
		offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.

Assembler	LDA BULLET
		STA FOOT

APL		GN (* Upside down triangle *) FT ^ BLT

BASIC		You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol
(interpreted)	until your leg is waterlogged and falls off.

BASIC		You shoot yourself in teh foot with a BB using a
(compiled)	Scud missle launcher.

C		You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can
		figure out what you did.

C		*foot = bullet

C++		You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
		all in the foot.  Not knowing which feet are virtual,
		medical care is impossible.

COBOL		USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
		ON HANDGUN.-COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT
	        TO HIP.HOLSTER

csh		After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you
		shoot the computer and switch to C.

dBase		You buy a gun.  Bullets are only available from another
		company and are promised to work so you buy them.
		Then you find out that the next version of the gun is
		the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.

FORTH		Foot Bullet shootInto.

FORTRAN		EQUIVALENCE (BULLET, FOOT)

FORTRAN		You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you
		run out of toes.  You shoot the sixth bullet anyway,
		since no exception processing was anticipated.

Modula-2	You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot
		with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might
		currently be a gun.

occam		You shoot both your feet with several guns a once.

ORCA/C		Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!

Pascal		Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right
		type for the gun and your hand is blown off.

Pascal		You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you
		that your foot is the wrong type and out of range to boot!

PL/1		After comsuming all system resources including bullets,
		the data processing department doubles its size, acquires
		two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.

Prolog		Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die
(interpreted)	of old age before the bullet leaves the gun.

Prolog		The facts are against you.  You try to stop the gun
(compiled)	from shooting you in the foot, but it replies "No."

Smalltalk,	After playing with the graphics for three weeks
Actor		the programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol		Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a
		bullet.

TECO		@fs/bullet/foot/

Windows		You click on Bullet, and the mouse knocks the manual off
		the desktop.  The manual lands corner-first on your foot.

-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Kevin Yetman     Merrimack College '92     yetmank@merrimack.edu      |
| Dedication to all girls that won't give me the time of day:	        |
| "If you walk away from love, you're headed down a long dark road.     |
|  If you're gonna leave me now, there's something you should know.     |
|  It's gonna take a long, long, time, It's something you might	        |
|  never find, cause if you walk away from me, you walk away from love" |
|						-Jim Jamison  1991	|
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