From Anders Nordseth on Tue, 19 Nov 1996 17:47:04 +0100


At 14:32 18.11.96 +0100, you wrote:


That's why I included some Windows/Micro$oft/BillGates-bashing jokes for 
you in this mail. (PS, check out )

take care,

"640K ought to be more than enough"  -Bill Gates

Q: How many Microsoft engineers are needed to screw a light bulb??
A: None! They just change the standard to darkness.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made 
   no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a 
   light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the 
   light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another 
   to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to 
   say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our 
   office works fine..."


The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. 
In the elevator are: Adolf Hitler, Sadam Hussein, and Bill Gates, but 
there are only two bullets in the gun!

Q: Who does he shoot???

A: Gates. Twice to be sure.


Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?
He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you 
go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and 
asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his 

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, 
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people 
were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons. 

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his 
neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around 

"Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically 
to the angel. 

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.


Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as 
they do so. Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows 
does that, too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable 
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too 
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with 
Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental 
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running 
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and 
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is *not* a virus


I have hacked into Microsoft and stolen their Windows 3.11 code and here 
it is. I am sure that they would love any improvements for the next version.

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];           
   if (detect_cache())           

   if (fast_cpu())           
   set_mouse(speed, very_slow);           
   set_mouse(action, jumpy);           
   set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);           
   printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it
   if (system_ok())
      system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);


      if (rand() < 0.9)



If Microsoft made movies: 

* You wouldn't be able to eat popcorn, drink a coke and watch the movie
  at the same time.
* If the popper was popping corn, and they were selling a candy bar, the
  movie would pause.
* They would announce that the next versions of the movie would enable
  colour blind people to watch in colour, and the deaf to hear it.
* The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most important parts.
* They would announce new breakthroughs in movie technology - colour and
  sound - forgetting that most other movies have had these for years.
* Every new movie would require a new projector.
* The projector would claim to take 32mm in film size, but in reality it
  would only show 16mm magnified to make it look like 32mm.
* They would claim to have invented comedies.
* Every movie would look pretty, but actually have mishmash holding it
  together, and contain no plot. Ooops! Sorry, that's from the "What if
  Hollywood Made Movies" list.
* They would promise you an action/adventure flick starring Arnold
  Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it would be 3 years late and end
  up being a sappy love story with Jim Carey and Madonna.
* Their projectors must have reset buttons, requiring you to start the
  movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire film.
* "640 seconds? Whose gonna watch a movie longer than that??"


The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

     Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III)

     By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and
     adding his (III), you get the following:

     B       66
     I       73
     L       76
     L       76
     G       71
     A       65
     T       84
     E       69
     S       83
     I        1
     I        1
     I        1
            666 !!!

     Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or
     just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???

     Before you decide, consider the following:

     M  S  -  D  O  S     6  .  2  1

     77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

     W  I  N  D  O  W  S  9  5

     87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? You decide...