From Anders Nordseth on Tue, 19 Nov 1996 17:47:04 +0100
Micro$oft
At 14:32 18.11.96 +0100, you wrote:
>
That's why I included some Windows/Micro$oft/BillGates-bashing jokes for
you in this mail. (PS, check out http://www.well.com/user/vanya/bill.html )
take care,
Anders
---
"640K ought to be more than enough" -Bill Gates
Q: How many Microsoft engineers are needed to screw a light bulb??
A: None! They just change the standard to darkness.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made
no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the
light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another
to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to
say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our
office works fine..."
===
The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.
In the elevator are: Adolf Hitler, Sadam Hussein, and Bill Gates, but
there are only two bullets in the gun!
Q: Who does he shoot???
A: Gates. Twice to be sure.
======
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?
He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you
go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and
asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his
preference.
"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach,
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"
"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people
were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel.
"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his
neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around
him.
"Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically
to the angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
=====
Is Windows a virus?
-------------------
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as
they do so. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows
does that, too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature
So, Windows is *not* a virus
=====
I have hacked into Microsoft and stolen their Windows 3.11 code and here
it is. I am sure that they would love any improvements for the next version.
#include
#include
#include
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
main()
{
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it
Chicago)\n");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(1)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
if (rand() < 0.9)
crash(complete_system);
}
return(unrecoverable_system);
}
======
If Microsoft made movies:
-------------------------
* You wouldn't be able to eat popcorn, drink a coke and watch the movie
at the same time.
* If the popper was popping corn, and they were selling a candy bar, the
movie would pause.
* They would announce that the next versions of the movie would enable
colour blind people to watch in colour, and the deaf to hear it.
* The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most important parts.
* They would announce new breakthroughs in movie technology - colour and
sound - forgetting that most other movies have had these for years.
* Every new movie would require a new projector.
* The projector would claim to take 32mm in film size, but in reality it
would only show 16mm magnified to make it look like 32mm.
* They would claim to have invented comedies.
* Every movie would look pretty, but actually have mishmash holding it
together, and contain no plot. Ooops! Sorry, that's from the "What if
Hollywood Made Movies" list.
* They would promise you an action/adventure flick starring Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it would be 3 years late and end
up being a sappy love story with Jim Carey and Madonna.
* Their projectors must have reset buttons, requiring you to start the
movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire film.
* "640 seconds? Whose gonna watch a movie longer than that??"
=====
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and
adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
I 1
I 1
I 1
--------------
666 !!!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or
just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
<>