From Dino Novak on Fri, 7 Jun 1996 14:48:07 +0200 (MET DST)

(fwd) Where is your sysadmin?

From: (Hrvoje Vulin)
Newsgroups: hr.rec.humor,hr.comp
Subject: Where is your sysadmin?
Date: 24 May 1996 09:13:01 GMT
Organization: University of Zagreb, Dept. of Mathematics
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Distribution: hr
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                                  101 REASONS
Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator

    Compiled by the readers of alt.sysadmin.recovery
    1. They are hiding under the stairs
    2. They are on holiday for the first time in 5 years
    3. They are in the cellars conducting the rituals to keep the
       machines running
    4. They are in hospital suffering from an overdose of caffeine
    5. Taken away by the police after killing the last user who asked a
       stupid question
    6. "You *have* a system administrator ?"
    7. Walked past the table they were gibbering under
    8. The SysAdmin has built a maze with the door to their office at the
    9. You *are* the system administrator
   10. Missed seeing the system administrator asleep under their desk
   11. The admin is chained to their desk in a dungeon only the CEO has
       the key for.
   12. Having to explain to the management why they need an asistant.
   13. The admin is suffering so bad from sleep deprivation that they may
       as well not be there for all the sense you can make of the words
       they are saying.
   14. You are afraid that the admin will use you as a punch bag so you
       are searching for them, but desperately pray that you don't find
   15. The admin came to work disguised as a tea boy to avoid talking to
   16. The admin electroculted themselves whilst installing some cabling
       near the main power cable. Since the admin's body is the only
       thing keeping the power flowing, the management boarded up the
       body and pretended they still had a system administrator.
   17. Stuck in a lift shaft pulling network cable to another floor
   18. Getting Jolt out of their under-floor cache
   19. Hiding on the roof
    -- Simon Burr
   1073788088. (S)he's looking up the BOFH excuse of the day.
   1073788089. (S)he's out buying some caffeine.
   1073788090. (S)he's busy installing xfishtank on the main fileserver.
    -- Mark D. Roth
   1073788091. (S)he's out buying refills for the Nerf(TM) crossbow.
   1073788092. (S)he's locked in the computer room playing Deathmatch.
    -- Dennis J. Preston Jr
   1073788093. Booted to DOS and is playing doom across the network.
   1073788094. Went to Stop&Go to get ANOTHER case of _insert favorite
       caffinated beverage here_
   1073788095. Went to the room with padded walls that nobody dares open
       when the door's closed.
   1073788096. Managed to find time to sleep for an hour or two.
   1073788097. Just found out he had a two month old child, and is
       getting re-aquainted with his SO (and the new child)
   1073788098. is playing netrek.
   1073788099. Is in the hospital after being severly injured by a
       falling soda can mountain.
    -- William S. Duncanson
   1073788100. Is closeted with boss trying to explain why (s)he uploaded
       a user to
   1073788101. (s)he's at the hopital having his/her fingers splinted
       after typing 100 times NO you cannot use your old address after
       our domain name changes. Please go read the announcements that we
       have been posting for the last three months.
    -- Marge Robbins
   1073788102. (S)he's catching twenty winks under the floorboards, tread
   1073788103. (S)he's watching the building electrician trip a circuit
       breaker that will reduce the company 'frame to rainbow colored
   1073788104. (S)he's out by the turnpike waiting for a case of Jolt to
       bounce out of the truck after it hits the speed bump.
   1073788105. Is out back beating a luser into corn mash who asked "When
       will the system be back up" one time too many.
   1073788106. Finished a double shift and is out back wondering what
       that big burning ball in the sky is.
   1073788107. Is busy packing up to go to a site that has contemporary
   1073788108. Is engaged in a staring contest with a pack of evil dogs
   1073788109. Is on the phone trying to talk his wife out of buying a
       house without ISDN
    -- The Unknown SysAdmin
   1073788110. (S)he's sitting under the desk, hysterical at what the
       (l)user just asked.
   1073788111. (S)he's at the pub, it's all *too* much.
    - Andrea Gibney
   1073788112. (S)he's standing behind you, holding an axe.
   1073788113. (S)he resigned in disgust five minutes ago.
   1073788114. (S)he's in a meeting with the boss to discuss poor user
       response times.
    -- Ade Rixon
   1073788115. Just look up at the ceiling (Think 'Aliens')
    -- Grant Denkinson
   1073788116. (s)he can't be reached via phone or e-mail becuase (s)he
       is too busy on usenet telling everybody how busy (s)he is or
       thinking up 101 reasons why (s)he can't be found.
    -- D. Allen Bassham
   1073788117. (s)he is hiding under a table so that (s)he will not be
       the one sitting for hours watching Ultrix reinstall from a
       single-speed CDROM because the users who inexplicably have root
       access have destroyed the filesystem *again* during a misguided
       attempt to "improve" /etc/rc by repartitioning the disk at boot
       time "so that it doesn't forget".
    -- Matt Bandy
   1073788118. (S)he's in the bathroom... masterbating
   1073788119. We have a 'secure room' here - bloody great lock on it. I
       hide in there :)
    -- Rob Wheeler
   1073788120. The Grey Wall(tm) has fallen on them and no one has
       noticed their absence. [clunk,clunk,help!,anyone?]
   1073788121. They've gone to find some more coffee. Sysadmin has left
       the building!
    -- Matt Haswell
   1073788122. they've snapped, started muttering about "this damned post
       office", and left for the nearest gun store
   1073788123. they're out on an interview
   1073788124. they're seeing a therapist who doesn't have any computers
       in their office, a non-threatening place.
   1073788125. they've gone to a computer museum to beg for parts for the
       PDP-10s running the place (ala Compuserve).
   1073788126. they're out looking for an ad in any media where DEC
       mentions OpenVMS
   1073788127. they're planning where to be on 01/01/2000, when all of
       the MVS systems, and some older minis in mission-critical
       applications like process control turn to crap. They may be
       shopping for a bomb shelter if SAC's launch control systems only
       have a two-digit year.
   1073788128. they're at a travel agent's, booking a vacation to
       friendlier place, like Iraq.
   1073788129. they're out fomenting rumors that the Windows 95 cd-roms
       have the Church of Scientology's copyrighted teachings hidden on
       the disk.
   1073788130. They're meeting with Guido, to put out a contract on the
       parties that started the open systems myth.
   1073788131. They've gone to Oklahoma City, to enroll in the FAA's Air
       Traffic Controller training program, to start a less-stressful
   1073788132. They're seeing a commodities broker, to arrange direct
       deposit of their paychecks into buying coffee bean futures.
    -- Gerald (Jerry) R. Leslie
   1073788133. /pub/lunch
    -- Gary "Wolf" Barnes
   1073788134. look better. He/She is probably in the basement somewhere
       behind the modem racks.
   1073788135. _finally_ took a day off.
   1073788136. It's 9 AM. He/she is not working that late.
   1073788137. Vendor demonstration
   1073788138. Convinience store across the street opened
   1073788139. Pizza delivery is at the front door
   1073788140. Sleeping under the floor tiles
   1073788141. On some floor, in some wiring closet, trying to fix things
   1073788142. In the dumpster behind the building trying to get rid of
       some frustration by using a sledgehammer on the Macs.
    -- Koos van den Hout
   1073788143. Because the trauma induced by repeated attempts to install
       Solaris 2.5 pre-beta on an Intel system has forced him to seek
   1073788144. Still trying to come down from inhaling too much tape head
    -- Nick Cuccia
   1073788145. out chasing the rodents off of the twisted pair/power
   1073788146. gone home to sleep (1st time in x days)
   1073788147. been convicted of computer crimes (vague reference to
       randal schwartz)
   1073788148. what was you're username?
    -- Tim Bandy
   1073788149. Emptying the bit buckets.
    -- Michael Shields
   1073788150. They finally caught him/her for that -big site-masacre
       (s)he thought (s)he'd gotten away with.
    -- Carlo Cozzi
   1073788151. ObReason n+x: Your system administrator is walking in
       circles outside saying "TUESDAY? They want it by TUESDAY?
    -- Stephan Zielinski
   1073788152. rcp $FAV_RESTAURANT:$FAV_FOOD /dev/stomach
       gurgle gurgle...
    -- Shannon Robert Madsen
   1073788153. Hiding in wiring closet.
   1073788154. Outside having a smoke because it's illegal in the
   1073788155. On the roof of the building, contemplating jumping.
   1073788156. On the roof of the building, contemplating which users to
       throw off.
   1073788157. On the roof of the building, contemplating traffic.
   1073788158. On the roof of the building, contemplating.
    -- Johan van Zanten
   1073788159. In his/her manager's office, trying to explain why the
       manager gets lots of calls from lusers who can't find the
   1073788160. (for us part-timers only) In his/her manager's office,
       trying to explain why the "real" (programming) work doesn't get
       done. Manager doesn't understand -- when he gave you this job, he
       said it would only take a couple of hours a week....
   1073788161. Is in luser's office, trying to explain why "export
       VAR=xxx" from one xterm window doesn't have any effect on the
       other windows. "But they're all on the same Xstation -- what's the
    -- Michael Hartwig
   1073788162. Sysadmin's down in the administrative offices fixing one
       of their DOS boxes.
    -- Al Castanoli
   1073788163. He's out getting a caffine fix.
    -- John Wanger
   1073788164. There's more caffeine than blood in his veins, and he was
       last seen hopping down the hall pretending he was a pogo stick.
    -- J.D. Falk
       Well the sysadmin is too busy
   1073788165. 1) playing with the web
   1073788166. 2) reading news
   1073788167. 3) sleeping
   1073788168. 4) reading other peoples email (not that I do this...)
   1073788169. 5) installing the latest Xgame on the main fileserver...
       (this is real cool)
    -- Michael Miller
    This page was created by J.D. Falk
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Hrvoje Vulin at PMF Zagreb , CROATIA

Dino Novak (
IBM AS/400 & DEC 3000 ALPHA AXP maintenance team
Faculty of Organisation and Informatics
Pavlinska 2. HR 42000 Varazdin