Who is Bill Gates, the man behind the multi-billion dollar Microsoft computer empire? Underneath his nerdy exterior, is there simpply another nerd? And what does someone who has $17 billion and no hobbies do for fun? We called talk-show hostess Ricki Lake and asked her to do two things: First, do an investigative report of Gates for MAD, and second, try to avoid cleaning out Denny’s entire all you can eat breakfast bar in a single sitting! She agreed to do the investigation!
RIKI: It’s been reported that your house is worth $40 million!
BILL: And yet, I married a simple girl.
RIKI: What makes you say that?
BILL: She signed a prenuptial agreement that my shyster lawyer drafted! If that’s not simple, I don’t know what is.
RIKI: Tell me, what kind of a woman goes for an arrogant, unattractive, dandruff-laden billionaire?
BILL: All of them!
(Bill and Riki enter the Microsoft Headquarters and all the employees bow down to him.)
BILL: People used to stop working when they left the office. But thanks to laptop computers, people now work on trains, airplanes, buses, everywhere! Right now we’re developing a computer in a washcloth!
RIKI: Let me guess – so you can work in the shower.
BILL: Yeah, well, otherwise, it’s just wasted time.
(They enter another room)
BILL: At my company we encourage horseplay. This type of activity really gets their creative juices flowing!
RIKI: I’ve never seen professionals acting so childishly in my life!
BILL: Then I guess you missed Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran at the O.J. trial. (Then, to an employee) “You stupid, ignorant, knuckle-scraping primate!”
RIKI: Your employees must love you because of the way you speak to them.
BILL: It’s called “tough love.”
RIKI: What’s the difference between tough love and acting like a jerk?
BILL: If you call it tough love, you can take the position that you’re doing it for their sake.
RIKI: With all of your verbal tirades, how do you keep cohesion in your company?
BILL: We start each day with the Pledge of Allegiance!
CROWD OF EMPLOYEES: We pledge allegiance to Bill Gates…
BILL: It needed a little upgrading.
RIKI: It’s been reported that you approach software makers and offer to acquire them. But once you learn their trade secrets, you pull out of the deal and come out with a competing product.
RIKI: Well, isn’t that stealing?
RIKI: What do you think about the hate groups that have been spreading on the Internet?
BILL: I’m all for it! The more racist and xenophobic, the more popular the medium will become!
RIKI: Do you really believe that?
BILL: Hey, it worked for talk radio!
RIKI: Does the soaring popularity of porno lines on the Internet upset you?
BILL: You bet! I keep getting a busy signal!
RIKI: It’s been reported in the media that you actually take your mother with you to business meetings.
BILL: So what if I do?
RIKI: Isn’t that a little weird?
BILL: No! I took her to my high school prom too. Would you call that weird?
RIKI: Uh, let’s go to the computer store.
BILL: We are continually upgrading all of the programs we sell.
RIKI: But when you upgrade a program, doesn’t that make the old one obsolete?
RIKI: Is that kind of planned obsolescence a good thing?
BILL: Are you kidding? Do you own a $40 million dollar house? (Picking up one of the software packages) This is our graphic interface software environment applications system.
RIKI: What does that mean?
BILL: Nobody knows! We keep adding technical words to the title until it justifies the hefty price tag. Let’s see here….ah yes, this program shows you how to draw Fred Flintstone. ….Child psychologists say that giving a kid a computer today is the same thing as giving a kid a bicycle 25 years ago.
RIKI: Actually, there’s a big difference. Cycling is an outdoor activity that promotes physical fitness.
BILL: There’s plenty of exercise involved in computing. That kid will be walking to and from the store at least five times a week to buy new programs and upgrade his components. ….For the computer nerd, we’ve developed a virtual sex program. They never have to interact with another human!
RIKI: Great! It’s like guiltless sex!
BILL: Not really. Guys who use the program at work feel like they’re cheating on their computers at home. The applications for computers are widening every day. Soon, you’ll be able to get a checkup from your doctor over the computer.
RIKI: Wow! How will that work?
BILL: Filp on the program and wait for two hours until he calls your name.
RIKI: You were aquiring software competitors at an alarming rate before the Justice Department intervened and stopped you.
BILL: Yes, and as a result we’ve changed our focus. We’re now planning to acquire an organization outside the software field which should end our problems.
RIKI: Which one?
BILL: The Justice Department. …Girls in college never dated me twice, and I don’t know why. I always took them to dinner and a show.
RIKI: Was it a Broadway show or a computer trade show at the convention center?
BILL: You think that’s why I kept striking out?
RIKI: It’s been written that you’re so wrapped up in your head that you forget to bathe.
BILL: I can’t be bothered with what other people say about me. Great men of science always work alone!
RIKI: (holding her nose) And now we know why! …In interviews you’ve given over the years, I’ve never heard you share credit for Microsoft’s success with it’s co-founder, Appalled Allen.
BILL: Just because what’s-his-name co-founded Microsoft, he wants half the credit! There’s no pleasing that guy! Okay, I’ll give him credit, but I want credit for giving him credit!
RIKI: You keep saying you’re worth $17 billion. What’s it like to be the richest man in America?
BILL: I have my good days and my bad days, just like everyone else. But there’s a difference.
RIKI: What’s that?
BILL: On my bad days, I still make enough to buy the island of Tahiti!
RIKI: You’ve made it known that you haven’t left a dime in your will for any children you might have. Is that because you’re cheap?
BILL: No, it’s an insurance policy. This way, my children won’t blow my brains out for the $17 billion inheritance. You ever hear of the Menendez brothers?
RIKI: There’s something different about you from all the other wealthy CEOs I’ve interviewed.
BILL: Is it my wit and charm?
RIKI: No, it’s your body acne. Part with a buck and buy yourself some skin cream! …Tell me, where do you go from here?
BILL: I’m going to run for President of the United States. I found a Vice-Presidential running mate who’s just like me!
RIKI: Where in the world did you find another billionaire, technocrat fascist?
BILL: Where have you been hiding, schmendrick? That’s my man!
(Ross Perot is behind a podium, babbling nonsense.)
ROSS: See, I envision an electronic town hall, see…