Windows 95 Upgrade Sourcecode

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#include <windows.h> #include <system_errors.h> #include <stdlib.h> char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; main() { if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); printf(“Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it Chicargo)n”); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open(“a:swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); }  

Windows 95 Versus Jesus Christ

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Win95 Versus Jesus Christ If you have half a brain, you can’t help but notice the throng of publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be? Let’s compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:   Jesus …

Hippocratic Oath For Software Engineers

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Hippocratic Oath For Software Engineers Never write a line of code that someone else can understand. Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like: AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm)); Type fast, think slow. Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. …

NULL – The Ultimate Computer Language

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NULL – The Ultimate Computer Language BASKING RIDGE, NJ – Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the ultimate computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the foremost Japanese fourth generation language expert, as “the only truly elegant computer language ever devised.” NULL, as it is known, was developed by the same department that originally invented the wrong …

Diary of an AOL User

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Diary of an AOL User. July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it incase they don’t ever send me another one! I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong. July 19 – Some guy …

Things you don’t want to hear your System Administrator say

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Uh-oh….. Shit!! What the hell!? Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?) That’s SOOOOO bizarre. Wow!! Look at this….. Hey!! The suns don’t do this. Terminated??! What software license? Well, it’s doing something….. Wow….that seemed fast….. I got a better job at Lockheed… Management says… Sorry, the new equipment didn’t get budgetted. What do you mean …

Assembly Language Commands

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Al Cmds Forgotten Assembly Language Commands ARG Agree to run garbage BBT Branch on binary tree BBW Branch both ways BEW Branch either way BH Branch and hang BMR Branch multiple registers BOB Branch on bug BOD Beat on drum BOI Byte operator immediately BPDI Be polite, don’t interrupt BPO Branch on power off BST Backspace and stretch tape CEMU …