Program Development Terminology

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1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED – We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM – We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION – We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH – It works OK, but looks …

Riki Lake Interviews Bill Gates

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Who is Bill Gates, the man behind the multi-billion dollar Microsoft computer empire? Underneath his nerdy exterior, is there simpply another nerd? And what does someone who has $17 billion and no hobbies do for fun? We called talk-show hostess Ricki Lake and asked her to do two things: First, do an investigative report of Gates for MAD, and second, …

Bill Gates Quotes (Very old)

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“I don’t have any evidence of that… Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There’s alot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.” — Bill Gates, when asked about religion and God’s existence in “Time” magazine “Hey, Steve, just because you broke into Xerox’s store before I did and took the TV …

Top 10 Features of Windows 97

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10. Properties dialog box now includes Boardwalk and Pennsylvania Avenue. 9. Catchy “Resistance is futile; you will be assimilated” splash screen. 8. Odor files. 7. New 18-Hour Control Panel by Playtex. 6. Point-and-click interface replaced by innovative hunt-and-peck interface. 5. Free Tickle-Me-Bill-Gates doll with every purchase. 4. General Protection Fault demoted to Sergeant. 3. Start-up .wav file replaced with the …

Unix was a program gone bad

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Unix was a program gone bad. Born into poverty, its parents, the phone com- pany, couldn’t afford more than a roll of teletype paper a year, so Unix never had decent documentation and its source files had to go without any comments whatsoever. Year after year, Papa Bell would humiliate itself asking for rate increases so that it could feed …

Unix version of Who’s On First

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Unix: who(1)’s on what(1)? A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consul: Yes, that’s correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consul: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consul: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program. Customer: Stop this. …

Windows 95 Sourcecode

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Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE *** Project: Version – Windows 95 Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include <nonsense.h> #include <lies.h> #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) …

Top Geek Slogans

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1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key 3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 7. My software never …

True History of the Net

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[Key Players and Terms identified at end] First there was God. He was quite lonely so he created Dennis. Dennis was unimpressed with God. So,… God created Brian. But, Brian got bored with God. So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they created C. God saw C, and saw that it was good. So he decided to let Brian and …