Bill Gates favorite anti-UNIX jokes

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If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question. Unix is the only virus with a command-interface. How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)? Unix – the first computer virus. NFS = Nightmare File System. Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don’t …

You might be an AOL addict if

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Tech Support calls You for help. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL You watch T.V. with the closed cationing turned on You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other. You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out” Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome You want to …

Complete list of Windows 95 Error Messages

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WinErr: 001 Windows loaded – System in danger WinErr: 002 No Error – Yet WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file WinErr: 004 Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted – System confused WinErr: 006 Malicious error – Desqview found on drive WinErr: 007 System price error – Inadequate money spent …

A Day in the life of a sysadmin

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by Thomas Farrell, tfarrell@lynx.dac.neu.eduThe life of a sysadmin goes approximately as follows. 8am: Your pager goes off and wakes you up. The message says it’s the office, and it’s a crisis. You roll out of bed moaning. 8:15am: You are now sufficiently awake to phone the office. Your pager has gone off three times already. You get through to the …

God as a computer programmer

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Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer. Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it’s tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the …

Guide to Perverse Computing

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by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu Using the Line Printer If your printout does not arrive within 1.2 seconds, immediately take the printer offline and press line feed enough times to place the perforation in the center of all subsequent printouts. Leave the printer in this inoperative state, but be sure to place your document (140k minimum) in the queue at least …

Lunch the HP Way

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by Stephen Harrison and Noel MageeThis is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU’s, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life. I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it’d take about an hour. Three …

Idiot’s Guide to Windows 95

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Multitasking: You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting! Built-in Networking: You can crash several PC`s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. Microsoft Network: Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. PnP: Plug and Pray (that it …

The Last Holdout on Windows 95

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There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that …