Laws of Computer Programming

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I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. II. Any given program costs more and takes longer. III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. V. Any program will expand to fill available memory. VI. The value of a program is proportional to the …

Microsoft Announces new Joe-Bob Software

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REDMOND, Wash. — April 10, 1995 — Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto “The software for the rest of y’all(tm),” Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. “Computers …

Languages not in the Computer Language SIG

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APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG… these programming languages are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages–and …

New Option for IBM Compatible PC

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Now you can get a single-board nuclear reactor that supplies stand-by power for 12 years! The QBX-1 nuclear reactor card, available on a full-length plug-in card for the IBM or compatible, provides back-up power for up to 12 years. When the card senses a power failure, explosive charges (bolts) eject moderator and control rods from the reactor interior, within 20 …

The Problem With HAL

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“We’ve got a problem, HAL.” “What kind of problem, Dave?” “A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn’t going anywhere. We’re way short of our sales plan.” “That can’t be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world’s most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer.” “I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they’re not selling.” “Please explain, …

Program Development Terminology

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1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED – We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM – We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION – We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH – It works OK, but looks …

Riki Lake Interviews Bill Gates

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Who is Bill Gates, the man behind the multi-billion dollar Microsoft computer empire? Underneath his nerdy exterior, is there simpply another nerd? And what does someone who has $17 billion and no hobbies do for fun? We called talk-show hostess Ricki Lake and asked her to do two things: First, do an investigative report of Gates for MAD, and second, …

Bill Gates Quotes (Very old)

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“I don’t have any evidence of that… Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There’s alot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.” — Bill Gates, when asked about religion and God’s existence in “Time” magazine “Hey, Steve, just because you broke into Xerox’s store before I did and took the TV …

Top 10 Features of Windows 97

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10. Properties dialog box now includes Boardwalk and Pennsylvania Avenue. 9. Catchy “Resistance is futile; you will be assimilated” splash screen. 8. Odor files. 7. New 18-Hour Control Panel by Playtex. 6. Point-and-click interface replaced by innovative hunt-and-peck interface. 5. Free Tickle-Me-Bill-Gates doll with every purchase. 4. General Protection Fault demoted to Sergeant. 3. Start-up .wav file replaced with the …