Unix was a program gone bad

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Unix was a program gone bad. Born into poverty, its parents, the phone com- pany, couldn’t afford more than a roll of teletype paper a year, so Unix never had decent documentation and its source files had to go without any comments whatsoever. Year after year, Papa Bell would humiliate itself asking for rate increases so that it could feed …

Unix version of Who’s On First

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Unix: who(1)’s on what(1)? A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consul: Yes, that’s correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consul: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consul: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program. Customer: Stop this. …

Windows 95 Sourcecode

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Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE *** Project: Version – Windows 95 Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include <nonsense.h> #include <lies.h> #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) …

Top Geek Slogans

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1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key 3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 7. My software never …

True History of the Net

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[Key Players and Terms identified at end] First there was God. He was quite lonely so he created Dennis. Dennis was unimpressed with God. So,… God created Brian. But, Brian got bored with God. So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they created C. God saw C, and saw that it was good. So he decided to let Brian and …

Windows 95 Upgrade Sourcecode

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#include <windows.h> #include <system_errors.h> #include <stdlib.h> char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; main() { if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); printf(“Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it Chicargo)n”); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open(“a:swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); }  

Windows 95 Versus Jesus Christ

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Win95 Versus Jesus Christ If you have half a brain, you can’t help but notice the throng of publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be? Let’s compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:   Jesus …

Hippocratic Oath For Software Engineers

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Hippocratic Oath For Software Engineers Never write a line of code that someone else can understand. Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like: AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm)); Type fast, think slow. Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. …

NULL – The Ultimate Computer Language

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NULL – The Ultimate Computer Language BASKING RIDGE, NJ – Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the ultimate computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the foremost Japanese fourth generation language expert, as “the only truly elegant computer language ever devised.” NULL, as it is known, was developed by the same department that originally invented the wrong …