God as a computer programmer

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Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer. Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it’s tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the …

Guide to Perverse Computing

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by Alan Meiss, [email protected] Using the Line Printer If your printout does not arrive within 1.2 seconds, immediately take the printer offline and press line feed enough times to place the perforation in the center of all subsequent printouts. Leave the printer in this inoperative state, but be sure to place your document (140k minimum) in the queue at least …

Lunch the HP Way

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by Stephen Harrison and Noel MageeThis is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU’s, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life. I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it’d take about an hour. Three …

Idiot’s Guide to Windows 95

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Multitasking: You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting! Built-in Networking: You can crash several PC`s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. Microsoft Network: Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. PnP: Plug and Pray (that it …

The Last Holdout on Windows 95

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There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that …

Laws of Computer Programming

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I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. II. Any given program costs more and takes longer. III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. V. Any program will expand to fill available memory. VI. The value of a program is proportional to the …

Microsoft Announces new Joe-Bob Software

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REDMOND, Wash. — April 10, 1995 — Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto “The software for the rest of y’all(tm),” Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. “Computers …

Languages not in the Computer Language SIG

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APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG… these programming languages are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages–and …

New Option for IBM Compatible PC

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Now you can get a single-board nuclear reactor that supplies stand-by power for 12 years! The QBX-1 nuclear reactor card, available on a full-length plug-in card for the IBM or compatible, provides back-up power for up to 12 years. When the card senses a power failure, explosive charges (bolts) eject moderator and control rods from the reactor interior, within 20 …

The Problem With HAL

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“We’ve got a problem, HAL.” “What kind of problem, Dave?” “A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn’t going anywhere. We’re way short of our sales plan.” “That can’t be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world’s most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer.” “I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they’re not selling.” “Please explain, …